Failure
So what really constitues failure. I was fired on Wednesday to clairify...now where was the failure because I assure you I'm feeling it...was it in the fact that all I wanted to do was watch tv? Was it in the fact that I could have not showered ever again and felt that was fine? Is it in the dread I feel in looking for another job? Was it in the moment today that I wanted to hate my supervisor instead of pray for her? Because I truly have the capacity to drive out to her house and egg it...actually. The worst part about this entire scenario...getting fired...is that I feel like a failure...when she said to me 'oh you are just trying soooo hard' I wanted to smack her...yeah..in the face. I've never failed at something I wanted to do...not even once. I've failed things but realized I didn't really want to do them, and thus quit. I've sucked at things, but not truly wanted to be good at them...other than in the competition way that I want to be good at everything...just to beat everyone else! ; ) But I've never lost...in a job that is. I've always been everything they have been looking for and now I am reveling in the sweet misery of failure...please watch Elizabethtown now if you've never failed at anything...
I would love to leave this post at that, but you should know that it was a personal issue...not my preformance that caused this separation of me from retail...although my supervisor doesn't admit that, head office does. And Head office is willing to give me a reference that states I quit...which blows my mind. And in that is the silver lining...but I don't feel any better about it.
So I ask...because we don't talk about it very often, who has been fired? Or gone through a failure they would like to share with the team? I'd like to hear.
I would love to leave this post at that, but you should know that it was a personal issue...not my preformance that caused this separation of me from retail...although my supervisor doesn't admit that, head office does. And Head office is willing to give me a reference that states I quit...which blows my mind. And in that is the silver lining...but I don't feel any better about it.
So I ask...because we don't talk about it very often, who has been fired? Or gone through a failure they would like to share with the team? I'd like to hear.
posted by betty at 12:29 PM
4 Comments:
OUCH.
failure? yep. i know all about it. three years ago i worked for Kindersley Transport. i BUSTED my a$* for them, worked TONS of unpaid overtime, lost myself as an individual, and even had my husband tell me "i'm not sure who you are anymore". but i still thought this was the job for me. one day, (2days after getting a raise for my superb performace), the head of Human Resources pulled me into the office and started saying all this crap about how i had been gossiping about the head honchos, and that I really wasn't qualified for my position (very true, but when i asked to go to classes and seminars that would teach me stuff - they refused to let me go let alone pay for them). i was told that i should go home that day and think about whether i really wanted to work there anymore. i asked if i was being fired...she said no, i just needed to set my attitude straight.
anybody who knows me, knows that i've never really had issues with people..that's my strong suit. so this just reeeeeekkkkeeeeddd of B.S.
i went crying to Rod's work to tell him what had all happened...he said "thank God, go quit and get the heck out of there." so, i packed my stuff, and called them in the morning saying that i quit. no notice or nothing. i got a nasty letter saying that i would in no way get a good referral.
i wasn't too sad. i started back at my old job the next day making $6.50 more an hour.
i found out later that they had hired someone new in my position but had no idea where to put me..so they came up with this "plan" to get me to leave so that they wouldn't have to deal with the Human Resources end of firing me for no reason. i also found out that one of my fellow employees was told to spy on me so that they could come up with a reason to fire me. she's the one that told them the gossip lies. she got a promotion the week after i left. unbelievable.
BUT despite the fact that most of this WAS NOT my fault...i took it so personally. it affected every area of my life. i backed off from a lot of my friendships because i felt i couldn't trust anybody. my self-confidence was SO low, i vowed to never go for another job interview and i also stopped singing in public because i never felt good enough. i just plain felt like a failure.
so yes, my dear. i've been there - done that. and it's taken YEARS to rebuild my life.
But the good things??
well, we'd been trying for over 2 years to have a baby. obviously the stress of kindersley was one of the causes because we concieved (sorry - not the word everyone wants to see!) Kamryn 5 days after I quit. Even though i was a failure in keeping my job, It was such a relief to stop having to prove myself to everyone and pretend to be someone i wasn't.
also, obviously, i've found some of my self-confidence again. I'm singing in public on a regular basis and feel that i AM talented enough and my heart is in the right place to lead people in worship(alot in part to the amazing Mike Morson).
Feeling like a failure affects EVERY area of your life. So somehow you have to think about it in a way that makes it easier to tackle. Like, they sure lost out firing you - imagine the moron they will get to fill your place and all they'll think about is how much better you were at the job! and you need to find the time to do things that you feel GOOD about...that will build your confidence so that you still have that amazing smile on your face and people can still see the joy you have in your heart.
I know you - they DID lose out, and for some reason, God thinks you are better suited elsewhere. Try to find out where that is.
This failure is just a stepping stone.
(ok, now i've written a book, and probably none of it makes sense, so i will go now.)
HUGS!
That blows. Fly in, we'll eat ice cream.
failure does suck bets. it does strike a huge blow to your confidence and your attitude. but as i said to you before, this is a fun time to meet some fun people and learn new things! but it still blows. love you.
Betty, I totally feel for you. The most major failure that I have ever experienced was my first year at Grant Mac. I had been an honours student in high school and had never studied and so I thought that I could get away with that at college too. I was so incredibly wrong and finished that year with a GPA of 2.2 and a student loan that was due immediately. And I got aletter saying that I was welcome to re-apply in 18 months. I worked at jobs that I hated for 3 years because I was angry at myself and because I had tasted failure and hated it and I was terrified of being rejected.
I finally reapplied this winter when I finally got into a more trusting place with God and I am going back to school in September! I have plans for my life again and I am happier than I have been in a decade!
Betty, I just want to let you know that it'll pass, as cheesy and predictable as that is. Good luck and stay cheery!
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